In my last post, I mentioned how I hadn't let my monthly visits get to me until this week. Why is it bothering me now?

Well towards the end of 2014 my boyfriend told me one of the sentences I've been waiting to hear for a few years now..."I'm ready for a kid".

So I thought that since we were both finally ready, maybe baby would happen. Well January 28th came and so did my visitor. Although I was hoping not to see her, I kind of expected her since it does take a little time. What I wasn't expecting was to be so emotional about it this time. Sure every month is a disappointment but this time I felt so heavy. I feel like my life is incomplete. I didn't want to eat, didn't want to see anyone and didn't want to work. My boyfriend was supportive and provided comfort and told me we could try again.

In the back of my mind, I worry that it just won't happen for me. I know we've only NTNP but I'm 31 years old and feel like my time is running out. All around me, women are having babies who are half my age.

I hope I get my chance. I started taking Prenatals again. I'll be going to the doctor soon to make sure everything is in working order. I'm going to try making healthier choices and drink more water. Other than that I don't know what else to do just yet. Any suggestions be sure to let me know.

Until next time...

I don't know what to call this post or whether it should have a title or not. I do know that I'm aching for a baby. I get so sad when I see pregnant women in the stores but yet I torture myself reading or watching pregnancy blogs. I longingly stare at mothers bonding with their children imagining the day where my child smiles up at me because she made me proud. I overhear mothers talking about what daycare their child goes to and how they deal with leaving them. I try to block out voices when mothers are sharing pictures of how cute their baby looked when they were born. I want that to be me. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby of my own. My heart is aching as I type this up. I just feel incomplete.

The hard part is knowing that now is not the right time to bring a baby in for us. That's why BF tells me he's not ready. But is it even possible to be 100% ready for a baby? The way I see it the baby will be loved, fed and warm with a roof over her head. Yet I take a step back from the baby talk and force down those pills every night.